


Greek Mythology But I'm Bad at Explaining Things

by James Ruins Everything (JamesPeppersalt)



Series: James Explains Mythology Badly [1]
Category: But Mostly Greek, Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Greek Mythology - Freeform, Multi, Mythology - Freeform, Mythology References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:38:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesPeppersalt/pseuds/James%20Ruins%20Everything
Summary: Mythology is one of my passions. So is explaining things badly. Just a collection of badly explained Greek myths. This sure is NOT in chronological order because frankly fuck Kronos!





	1. The Khaos Emeralds

**Author's Note:**

> I have no intention of being polite, correct, or heterosexual. Enjoy!

In the beginning, there was chaos.

And I do mean literally chaos. It was just the embodiment of chaos, Khaos.

And he was there.

And he was alone.

And then one day, he just wasn't fucking alone anymore.

"Shit," said Khaos, "I hate social interaction. Who the fuck are these chumps?"

And these chumps were Gaea, better known by her other names, such as "Mother Earth" to hippies and "Ugh, THAT bitch" to Heroes of Olympus fans; Tartarus, the Edgy Teen™ of the primordial beings who is kinda just the concept of a bottomless depth where dumb fuckers who piss off the gods get thrown, and sometimes maybe Eros. 

"Well, now that these bitches are here," said Khaos, "we might as well pop out a few more bitches."

And those bitches were poppin'.

And the bitches who popped from those poppin' bitches were a bunch of people you don't care about and Ouranos, the deity of the sky.

"Hey," said Ouranos to Gaea, "lemme smash."

And smash they did.

And from their union were born many children, such as the Titans, the Giants, and the centaurs, all of whom Ouranos loved dearly.

PSYCH. Actually Ouranos was a shit father and decided to kill most of his children for anything from pissing him off in the slightest to being a bit too ugly.

Naturally, Gaea was not too thrilled at the prospect of her husband killing off her children, so she decided to do the natural thing-- mariticide.

Well, technically, patricide, as she asked her son Kronos of the Titans to do the deed.

"Hey, son."

"Hey, mom."

"You should kill your dad."

"Okay," said Kronos, quite eager to kill his father like a very sane and well-adjusted person.

Thus Kronos took his sickle, which is that thing people used to use to cut down wheat for all you city-slickers, and went to the dwelling of his father.

"Okay, dad, time to die," said Kronos. And Kronos took his sickle and made him dead, chopping his father into pieces.

"Ew," said Kronos as he stood over his dad-chunks, "time to get rid of THESE."

And he tossed him into the ocean, which was ironic, considering the ocean, Pontus, was his wife's next boo-thang. So in a way, Ouranos was cucked by the ocean. Let that marinate for a minute. But Ouranos had the last laugh, as when his testicles were thrown into the ocean, his semen (haha "seamen") bore the seafoam-- and from the seafoam was born Aphrodite, the most beautiful of the gods, who, if you believe Botticelli, arose naked on a seashell and was clothed by the Graces, goddesses of beauty.

"Oh, shit," said Aphrodite, "I exist now."

So I guess the moral of this story is that all seafoam is cum. Who knew!


	2. Kronos Learns the Meaning of Poetic Irony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I see any vore jokes in the comments I'm calling the police

Well, now Kronos was in charge, succeeding his father Ouranos, who was now a bunch of chunks floating in the sea. Kronos became the leader of the pantheon of Titans and took the Titan Rhea as his wife.

"Oh, boy!" said Gaea. "I'm so happy my child-killing husband is dead and my son is now in charge, because filicide is bad!"

But evidently, Kronos did not get the message the filicide was supposed to be bad and also the reason why his mother wanted him to kill his father in the first place, because as soon as some bitch (probably Gaea) told him one of his children might possibly kill him someday, he decides to do the natural, totally sane, and fool-proof way to make your children not want you to kill you: eating them.

"What the shit, dad?" said his first child, Hestia.

"Shut the fuck up, you're the most irrelevant of my children," said Kronos as he monched.

"What the shit, Kronos?" said Rhea, evidently bummed that her husband had just straight-up cannibalized their baby.

Unfortunately, however, Hestia was not their only child, as Titans apparently don't know how to use protection. And thus was born Demeter, Hera, Poseidon, and Hades, all of whom Kronos monched.

"Well this fucking sucks," said Rhea.

"I agree," said Gaea, understandably not happy that her son who she had kill her husband for filicide had just commited filicide five times, "we should kill him."

"Yeah I could go for a little murder right about now," said Rhea.

And thus, Rhea bore her sixth child-- Zeus, the fuckiest of all fuckers.

"Well, shit," said Rhea to Kronos, "guess it's snack time."

"Oh nice, I was feeling a little peckish."

However, Rhea was a tricky fucker and wrapped a baby-shaped rock in swaddling, which Kronos happily monched, because Kronos had apparently drank his dumb bitch juice that day.

So Gaea hid her grandson away in a cave to be raised by a couple of ladies and a goat. The goat nursed him upon nectar, ambrosia, and milk which came from her horns (as someone who raises goats I can assure you that is not how that works. Though maybe that's why Zeus ended up being so...  _horny)._

"Well," Zeus said once he was a grown-up boy, "time to kill my dad I guess."

And thus Zeus went to kill his dad.

"Who the fuck are you?" said Kronos upon seeing his full-grown son.

"I'm you, but hornier," said Zeus.

And Kronos, probably very confused by this point, felt he was in need of a drink. And thus Gaea the Totally Trustworthy gave him a nice refrebshing beverage of mustard and wine (ew).

"Wait what the fuck," said Kronos upon drinking it, right before up-chucking out his other five children, now fully-grown, very much not properly digested, and also very pissed.

"Hell yeah," said Zeus, "it's Cyclopes time."

"What?"

"RELEASE THE CYCLOPES"

And the Cyclopes were released.

And the Cyclopes made Zeus's mighty thunderbolt, useful for smiting enemies, striking fear into mortal hearts, and scaring the shit out of your dog.

"Oh fuck," said Kronos.

And thus began a great war between Titans and Gods. Unfortunately for the Titans, the Gods beat their bitch asses quite easily.

"Okay dad time to die now," said Zeus.

And Zeus made him dead, cutting him into tiny pieces.

"Well this is ironic," said the Kronos chunks, "and now I am dead."

"Hi dead, I'm Dad," said the Ouranos chunks.


End file.
